“Excuse me….do you sell ProTan here?’
“Sure, what kind? We have powder, liquid, ready-to-drink, whey…”
“No, no - I don’t need pro-TEEN…I mean, yes I DO need protein, but I’m looking for Pro TAN. You know, the stink-ass sh*t that I paint my body with for competitions?”
I’m going to assume that the majority of you who are reading this are in the same industry as me, or have some knowledge of it, and know what I’m referring to.
For those of you who don’t, ProTan (and JanTana - I use both brands, so it wouldn’t be right to mention one and not the other) - in layman’s terms - is industrial strength tanning stain that is used onstage in bodybuilding and fitness competitions. (Nope, we competitors are really not that dark, nor do we smell that bad.) Well, I speak for myself and those around me anyway. Well, except for my black friends - who don’t smell - but really are that dark. Anyway, what I mean is, I don’t have stinky friends.
When everyday, non-industry people, find out that I compete, I usually receive some form of praise regarding how much discipline it takes - the dieting, training, etc… I’ll tell you what - for me, that’s the easy part. I mean, I would still eat and work out even if I weren’t getting ready for a show, right?
How do I explain the insanity that is the last few days leading up to the show? Hair and nail appointments, last minute suit adjustments, packing suitcases and competition bag, preparing the food (and there’s a lot of it!), packing the food in a carry-on cooler, getting through airport security, the plane ride with people sitting next to me eating pizza they brought onboard from the terminal, finding out the hotel I’m at doesn’t have a microwave and mini-fridge, what to eat, when to eat it, having a friend/trainer/stranger paint my most private body parts with a sponge or airbrush, gluing my suit onto my ass, the thirst - oh the thirst!!! …. When people hear this, they usually look at me like I’ve sprouted a third eye that shoots laser beams. Then comes the inevitable, dreaded question….
”What do you win?”
“What do I - oh, uhh, excuse me - my phone’s ringing. It’s, uh, on vibrate. I have to take this call.”
…Elvis has left the building.
I competed for the first time in 1997. That was over ten years, and probably close to thirty shows ago. I took the year of 2000 off when I retired from bodybuilding and switched to figure (figure didn’t exist until 2001). I took off all of 2002 to be pregnant and have a baby. That’s it. When I first turned pro in 2003, I said I would give myself five years to get to the Olympia and Arnold Classic stages.
It is now April of 2008. I competed at the Arnold in 2007, but keep missing the cut for the Olympia - twice by two placings, once by one place (2003 JanTana, my pro debut). I haven’t stepped foot on stage since last October. This is, by far, the longest break I’ve had since the birth of my daughter. Do I miss it? I miss the people and backstage cameraderie more than anything. Does that mean I’m done? ……..
………………….
………………………………….
…….f*ck no, I’ll be back! I paid my annual dues and renewed my IFBB card just like everyone else…IT”S AN ADDICTION…the smell of protan, the lights, the staring, people whispering and pointing, the bitching about being miserable, tired and hungry, drooling over food commercials like it’s porn, yelling at people in traffic, all the extra cardio sessions, which also means showering three times a day and doing twice as much laundry, the house constantly smelling like fish and asparagus…the list goes on…
I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to compete at the pro level and, by golly, I will continue to do so until my ass starts to lose out to the force of nature called gravity…..LOL …Besides, I have spent a small fortune on suits, some of which I haven’t even worn yet!
(Remind me to look back on this post when I’m two weeks out, feeling a few clowns short of a circus, and ready to eat the dried ketchup-snot off the top of the Heinz bottle.)
’till next time.
Miss Chris
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13 responses so far ↓
Danielle // April 21, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I love your blog Chris! It is so much fun to read thank you.
lilmisschris // April 21, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Thanks Danielle! Writing is a nice change of pace. I feel like it’s been a long time since I had to actually use my brain for something other than figuring what show to do based on who’s competing…lol…!
jonathan // April 22, 2008 at 1:18 am
great! keep it up!
Tiffany Norvella // April 22, 2008 at 4:23 am
Love your blog Christine! Your sense of humor is just awsome
Looking forward to reading more. Olympia??…pshhh….no prob girl…you’ll be there before you know it!! Rock on wit ‘cho bad self!! Can I get a woot-woot!!
Peace & Love ~
Tiffany Norvella ~
maria // April 22, 2008 at 10:03 am
That great! I dont compete but Im thinking about it…so….yeah……it sounds like great fun!
BTW, U look AWESOME!!!!
Jeff Schwartzer // April 22, 2008 at 10:42 am
At least at your level you can get a paycheck. At the national level all you receive is a beautiful trophy that probably couldn’t make $10 on Ebay. I love the look when asked “How much do you get”, whereas the response is nothing and the always follow-up question is “WHY?” I know the pain and suffering is tough, but it is incredible how as soon as you hit the stage, the pain disappears. Keep it up my friend. Great ass shot.
lilmisschris // April 22, 2008 at 10:57 am
Thanks fro the replies and compliments everyone (and for the vote of confidence Tiffany! btw, your myspace profile is fantastic - very inpirational.)!
A // April 22, 2008 at 12:08 pm
So I read and I read never comment, but I will on this one.
At one time my only dream was to compete. From the time i picked up that stupid muscle mag magazine claiming that I could lose 5,000 pounds in two weeks to the reading and understanding of the sport all I could ever think about was getting big, lean and mean and seeing my self on stage! For everyone who competes at the national level I want to commend ya’ll because through personal experience and through friends that are pros I see the day to day dedication and then that last little sh”Tty, crabby, moody, bit”hy,(should I go on?) two weeks out! To tell ya though there is nothing like the victory face that you pro have when you win though. It’s like all that pain and suffering was for something great.
I think of it like a tattoo.. You go through the pain knowing that you are going to have this same pain every time for what? The feeling of knowing that you will always remember what is was for, for the rest of your life! Nothing in life is better in anything that we do than knowing we went though all this for such an awesome outcome.
Hey I might of blabbered but it was jut on my mind!
lilmisschris // April 23, 2008 at 8:08 am
So, Mr. “A” , who reads and reads but never comments - I am honored to be the one who has popped your comment cherry! Thanks for joining in.
A // April 24, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Well Mrs. Chris lots of people actually linger around the blogs and just sit back and read and never comment. sometimes people are just to afraid that other people will say something negative about there question or comment and other times people just want a place to sit and read and relax and enjoy other people and all their drama! In your case lots of Drama
I on the other hand love knowledge. I can not spell for Sh”T but i love to write and i also love to bable on like in my last post! so if you understood it great you know have a lesson in A-nese!
lilmisschris // April 24, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Mr. A - two comments in as many days…..we’ll be getting you your own blog soon.
btw, it’s “MISS” Chris.
Lynda Miller // April 24, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Great blog article, very intresting and informative for those of us who want to compete
PS you do have a great ass!!! Keep the articles coming!!
A // April 26, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Lol i dont want my own blog i just wanna comment once or twice on yours hows that…CHRIS.. i dont call anyone MISS.. MISSY
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